Spring and Ressurection

So, it has come to this.

No, really though, it's been almost a year since my last post.

I've been wanting to get back on this horse for a while, but depression is a funny thing. It doesn't like letting you do things that might make you happy.

A lot has happened, or if you look at it from another direction, not much has happened. Or, a lot happened very quickly over a short amount of time, and then not much happened over the longer amount of time that followed...

I know what will help, BULLET POINTS!

• Jay breaks up with me
• I have to drop out of culinary school after only 6 weeks
• My brother in law flies to Chicago and helps drive me back to California (we left July 4th, and arrived July 5th. Take that people who can't drive across country in under 48 hours!)
• I move into my sisters house
• I am jobless once again for about 3 months
• I get a new job
• ....

And that's about it.

Other stuff has happened of course; I kinda tried dating someone for a couple months around November/December, it didn't stick. My laptop broke in March and my new one wont arrive until next week.

Basically, my life has backtracked to about how it was when I first moved to California five years ago and it's depressing as hell.

I am so thankful for my sister and brother in law opening their home to me again and being so wonderful about having me around, but not having my own space is driving me slightly insane.

It's like I haven't been able to take a complete breath for the last year, I have this constant level of anxiety that wont go away, and even though I'm a positive happy person, there will be these nights where I just can't stop crying.

My sister brought up the idea that I might be able to buy a condo or single family home, and I'm very excited by the possibility. I'm trying to stay grounded about it all, and who knows whats going to happen when I talk to the financing person next week, but having a place of my own again... Words can not describe how relieving that would be. I know it would be financially difficult on me, and If it happened I would need to cut back on frivolous things like food and entertainment, but not being able to go to the movies would be totally okay if I had my own kitchen, or a coat closet. I would happily stay home missing out on things, to be in my own place that I could clean on my own schedule and arrange things how I want and.... Okay. I need to calm down.

Again, who knows what will happen, but I can tell you that I want it to happen very badly.

There's a big birthday party this weekend. It's my 24th birthday and my friends are also growing older. I'm kind of iffy on the whole thing at this point, but I think that's more form the crushing depression then actually thinking it won't be fun...

I started writing today because I had the sudden urge to talk about ruffled potato chips and cottage cheese, but that ain't happening now. Hopefully I'll write more later...

xo